Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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