when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I will pee on everything he values.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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