I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
