He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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