Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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