i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
