good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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