If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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