Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
