T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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