and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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