So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
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