Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
