God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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