it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
