ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Randomize
