i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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