Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
