She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
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