i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
