I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
