R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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