There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
