I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
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