If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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