i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
