Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We are two peas in an std pod
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Randomize
