i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
