I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
