Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
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