On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Are you guys doing anything tonight?
Krysta
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
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