Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
Randomize
