I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Randomize
