I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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