Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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