Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
