You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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