a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Randomize
