why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
we made out on top of his cat.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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