So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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