Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
