my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
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