I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
it was like eating out sand paper
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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