wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Randomize
