So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize