dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
