Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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