I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
