I want to have your abortion
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
