if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
