I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
