I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
We are all done wearing pants today
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize