even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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