He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
