Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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