i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Randomize
