Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
Randomize
