One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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