that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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