I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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