Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
