my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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