mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
my being single is dangerous.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize
