So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
