I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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