Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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